My Lie to Keep
by Darlin
Summary: Ororo and Logan find the truth requires a lie if they're to survive. A gift fic. Second & final chapter added on the spur of the moment.
1. What can I Tell My Heart?

**My Lie to Keep – by Darlin**

**A/N** – I wrote this at work on the spur of the moment as a birthday one shot for Tiger who put up a song fic challenge at her **Written_Stars Yahoo group**. I don't do song fics because I don't really like them but I did incorporate the song "What can I tell my heart", once sung by the great Ella Fitzgerald, and it worked to my satisfaction but since this site is now removing stories with songs due to copyright issues (as of 2013) I had to remove the song and redo the story a bit. I hope it works as well.

**Disclaimer** – All Marvel's creations, not mine and thus no profit made.

**-xox-**

**Chapter One** _**– What can I Tell My Heart?**_

She remembered his lips, his breath rushed, hot, kisses that consumed. She remembered his hands around her waist pulling her closer and closer. She remembered seeing nothing, her eyes closed tight, but feeling even the tiniest of touches just wanting to melt into him and always stay that way. One.

"I love you," she'd whispered, smiling into his kisses and in that moment everything she'd desired and hoped for was broken.

He'd chuckled, dropped his hands, said he had to check on some things, that he'd see her later. He'd looked at her for a long moment before he touched her cheek then left her. She, still high on hope, tried to convince herself that he did have business to attend to, that he would be back.

She could hardly sleep afterwards and rose early hoping to catch him before he left for his morning run. He never showed. Nor did he come down for breakfast. Or lunch or dinner.

**-xox-**

It was pouring outside. It had rained all week. Ever since Logan disappeared without a word. No one remarked on the weather. Ororo didn't notice it herself. Her smile was sunshine bright.

"We should all go to Harry's, they're having a live band tonight," she'd said after dinner and easily coerced her friends into going along.

"I thought everything was going fine for them," Rogue whispered to Remy on the ride into town, having taken her convertible instead of his Harley.

"It's for de best," Remy commented.

At Harry's with Jean and Scott, Remy and Rogue and Kurt, Ororo acted as if nothing had changed for her. She was moving to the beat of the music as soon as they entered the familiar bar.

"Is everything okay, Ororo?" Jean asked when they were in the restroom touching up their makeup and hair.

"I feel like dancing," Ororo laughed in reply.

When she came out, her shoulders moving back and forth to the rhythm as she sashayed in front of their table, she beckoned for Kurt to join her.

"I'm not very good with this kind of dancing," Kurt said in his thick German accent while sliding over to let her sit down.

"I'm not either, Kurt but who cares?" But she sat; smile still wide on her face. "Rogue, remember when you and Betsy tried to talk me into going out with Davis and we all went dancing?"

Rogue laughed. "Ah haven't thought about that in ages."

"I didn't want to go but you talked me into it and we had so much fun."

"For a while," Rogue murmured while looking at Ororo oddly.

"Oh, Kurt let's just try one dance," Ororo said, changing the subject.

"The next slow dance, okay?"

"Oh, all right," Ororo replied, her head bopping to the beat, fingers tapping on the table.

Remy and Rogue watched her while Scott and Jean exchanged glances. Ororo pretended not to notice she was being scrutinized. She laughed and pulled Kurt onto the dance floor when a softer tune played. Beautiful Ella Fitzgerald's voice crooned on about lovers who were apart, the ache she felt, smiling to hide the tears, lying to your heart.

She didn't know the song but the words nearly broke her. She tried to shut them out. If she listened she wouldn't be able to pretend any longer. She twirled on the floor in Kurt's arms smiling, laughing. No one would have thought there was anything wrong with her but the unexpected storm outside, lighting cracking so loudly it could be heard even above the loud dim of the bar, made her friends watch her carefully.

During the drive home it hailed. Ororo didn't stop talking. She joked about her skill in getting Kurt to try the Electric slide – everyone should know that dance, she said – and tried not to remember how Jubilee had taught her and Logan one dull day. She joked about how Kurt had looked like a duck trying the dance steps. She laughed even harder at her own attempts and insisted they all go out tomorrow night saying, "I had so much fun! I can't remember when I've had this much fun." And hoping desperately that they believed her.

When the others were going to their rooms Jean pulled Ororo aside. She hesitated for the briefest of moments then forced herself to speak. "Is everything all right, hon?"

"Everything's fine, why?"

"You – you've just been so . . . cheerful."

Ororo laughed. "What's wrong with being cheerful?"

"I just mean you're a little too cheerful . . . now that Logan's gone."

"What does Logan have to do with my happiness?" Ororo said, her mask falling away for only an instant but Jean had caught it.

"I thought you two were seeing each other?"

"We were just having fun it wasn't anything serious, Jean. You know how Logan is."

"So you're okay then?"

Ororo laughed again. "Why wouldn't I be? I had a wonderful time tonight."

"It's just you're not one to go out much."

"You know, Jean I think going out with Logan made me appreciate having fun. He always knew how to have a good time." Her smile didn't falter though flashes of memories with Logan pained her.

"Do you have any idea why he left so suddenly and without saying anything?" Jean asked.

Ororo's mask did not crack this time. She smiled, shook her head. "You know how Logan is; he'll be back when he's ready." The words broke her heart. Would he ever come back – to her?

"Well I'm glad you're okay, hon," Jean said but Ororo was hurrying up the stairs and didn't hear.

Thunder rattled the windowpanes as Ororo jammed a pillow over her head hoping to drone out the lyrics of the song she'd dance to earlier. For all she'd tried not to listen to them while she'd danced with Kurt, as sometimes songs do, the words were stuck in her head.

What could she tell her heart about a lover that would never be? And how true that she smiled to keep from crying from the ache within her. It was as if the lyrics had been written for her. The incessant tune in her head, the words seared into her brain. It took everything she had to keep from screaming. And she wouldn't cry. She refused to cry. He didn't deserve her tears. He – they – must never have an inkling of her heartache. It was so easy to lie to Jean, to put on a happy face for the others but in the darkness of her room, the emptiness of her heart so deep, she could no longer keep up the pretense. Her heart bled.

She did not go out again that week. She needed a night in she told them when she backed out. She stayed in her room, tried to read but couldn't. She paced, watched the rain fall, watered her plants, anything to keep her from seeking out her cell phone on the nightstand. Futilely. Every few seconds her eyes darted toward that instrument of life or death. To no avail. He hadn't called before, what made her think he'd call now? She'd scared him away. Those three words spoken from her heart had terrified him. Those three words had broken her heart.

**-xox-**

It was raining in Hell's Kitchen; it had been since the night he'd arrived. Logan didn't care one way or the other. He'd gone nowhere and didn't want to go anywhere. No, that wasn't true. He wanted to go back home. But he wouldn't.

Eyes closed tight he could hear the rain beating against the windowpanes. Rain always made him think of Ororo but now he tried hard not to think of her, of how he'd held her so close, her lips on his so soft, her eyes full of things unsaid that had made him want her so badly he'd almost lost himself to her. He could see her now in his mind's eye, tall, beautiful, proud. He wanted her, even now. He wanted more than what he had a right to.

A sharp ring startled him. He'd been trying to forget the phone in his apartment, wished he'd thought to turn it off. He wouldn't answer. He wanted to ignore it just as he was trying to ignore the dive his stomach took when it rang. The answering machine picked up. A beep and then a woman's voice – Ororo? No.

"Logan, it's me – Jean – is everything okay?"

Hope died. He'd longed to hear Ororo's voice, to know she was okay.

"You didn't say when you'd be back. I hope everything's okay. You shouldn't go off without saying something." A short pause. "We miss you you know."

"Hey, Jeanie," he said, picking up the phone.

"Logan! I didn't . . . well how are you?"

"Fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"It's just that you left so suddenly. I thought . . ."

"How's 'Ro?" He didn't care what she thought but he wanted to be sure Ororo was okay after the way he'd left.

"She's great actually. We went to Harry's and she danced all night."

There was a long silence on the line and Jean didn't dare break it.

"Well, good. Good," Logan finally forced himself to say and then, "I gotta go, Jean I got stuff ta take care. Good talkin' to you."

Jean thought perhaps she'd imagined it but it seemed as if the Logan she knew was gone, something vital missing in the man.

Logan put the phone down and didn't move from his chair. He had nothing to do, nowhere to go. He'd given Ororo up when it was the last thing he'd wanted to do. He had not ached like this since he'd been force to kill the woman he loved. And it was the undying memory of that tragic act that had driven him away. He wasn't good for Ororo. With him would come hell. She deserved better.

He chuckled. She'd gone dancing. Probably with Kurt. She might as well be dancing on his grave. Well, as long as Ororo was fine so was he. He would keep telling himself that long after the rain passed.


	2. Time Changes All

**Chapter Two – Time Changes All**

**A/N** – A second chapter was never planned but then Steph made me think I should have a better ending for our favorite couple. Thinking about it before I went to bed I had a vision of Ororo taking things into her own hands but in a rather untypical fashion. Typing it up today I cannot say I wasn't perhaps subconsciously inspired by one of Caliente's recent Dani Moonstar stories, she writes such wonderful stories.

**-xox-**

Living a lie has a way of changing people, that and time. Ororo had changed a great deal during the months Logan had been gone. She was the happiest anyone had ever seen her – a lie she maintained each and every day. But there were no more nights out with her friends. She often went out alone now, like tonight where she was sitting at a table in a bar she knew she shouldn't be in – a hub of the FOH she'd discovered not quite accidentally. She couldn't help but stand out. Her brown skin, white hair and blue eyes readily branded her "mutant". But she'd gone there for that exact reason. When two men came up to her table and started to give her grief she smiled, grabbed her bottle of beer and smashed it over the smaller one's head. Upturning the table as she leapt up she kicked it at the man she'd hit then jammed her elbow into the taller man's throat just enough to take him out. Two down, the rest of the bar to go, she thought and grinned as she settled into a fighting stance Logan had taught her. Another night of fun.

**-xox-**

"I'm worried about her," Jean told Logan over the phone.

"She's a grown woman, she'll be fine, she always is," Logan said.

"She's been coming back bloody and beaten, Logan, that's not normal!"

"She been working out in the danger room?"

"No, that would be wonderful if she were; she's out at all hours of the night doing who knows what. She mentioned some bar the FOH hang out at! She's been acting so peculiar I wouldn't put it past her to do something crazy but she just keeps evading my questions, Logan. I wish you'd check in with her."

"She doesn't want ta hear from me."

"Just because she hasn't called you doesn't mean she doesn't want you to call _her_."

"Not going to do that, Jeanie."

"You're a lousy friend, Logan, I expected better from you," Jean said and ended the call.

**-xox-**

Ever since Jean had mentioned that it had been raining nonstop since Logan took off Ororo had been trying her best to keep her pain and anger in check. She'd even tried Logan's old trick of exorcising his demons in the danger room but that had reminded her too much of him. Then one night she and Jean went out to a new bar and were harassed. Already on edge Ororo didn't take it quietly and they ended up having to fight their way out. It had been exhilarating. Bare knuckles, no powers aside from a little bit of mind control on Jean's part. She hadn't thought of Logan once during the fight. It was almost as good as she thought it would be to bash Logan's head in so she'd gone back to the club by herself then tried different bars until she'd found this one. It looked as if it might turn out to be her favorite.

When Logan heard a ruckus break out behind him he spun around on the bar stool he was perched on and stared in shock as Ororo took out first the shorter guy and then the taller one. Logan briefly admired her stance but thought she should raise her left a little higher as the mayhem began. If Logan was anything he was a loyal and good friend so he'd taken Jean's words to heart and sought out the nearest FOH bar in the Salem Center area. Besides, Ororo going to a bar in FOH country didn't make sense. Seeing her in the middle of a fight like this made even less sense.

He hadn't seen her when she'd arrived but now he saw she was clearly outnumbered. What she hoped to achieve was anyone's guess although he had a nagging feeling that it might have something to do with him. So he jumped over the railing that separated the bar from the tables, grabbed a chair as he hit the ground and swung it into the back of the man who was coming up behind her. She looked up, eyes full of surprise but instead of preparing for the next opponent she stood there staring at him. She looked as surprised as he did.

Duck," he said and she did, just missing getting hit with a pool stick from behind. And then as if nothing had ever changed between the two they turned their backs to each other and made their stand.

"What the hell are you doin', 'Ro?"

"Fighting. And you?"

"Looks like I'm helping."

She laughed. He glanced at her, saw she looked as if she were enjoying this. After they took a few more men out he grabbed her hand and weaved through the growing crowd. They were laughing when they burst through the door and laughing as they ran hand in hand through the parking lot and down the street.

"So, what's a beautiful woman like you doing in a seedy neighborhood like this?" he asked when they stopped running.

"Working," she said as she pulled her hand free.

He looked at her curiously but she didn't give him anything more.

"X-Men business?"

"It's what I do."

"How's everyone?"

"As usual."

He frowned despite himself. "How're _you_ doing, 'Ro?"

"Good. And you?"

"Doin' all right."

Ororo looked away from Logan forcing herself to stay calm. All this time away and he was doing all right. Which meant he'd never cared. Not even a little.

"Run!" Logan yelled suddenly.

"There they are!" someone shouted behind them.

"Who are these characters?" Logan asked as they took off down the street.

"FOH."

"Figured that, thing is they've got no powers right?"

"Right."

"So why're we running?"

"It's fun, gives them a little excitement."

Logan almost missed a step when he heard that. "You've changed, darlin'."

"Don't we all?"

They ducked into an alley then found another but that one was cut off by a chain link fence. He gave her a boost and she was up and over it in seconds and he quickly followed. Soon they were on the outskirts of town. Sure they weren't being followed any more they walked to the convenience store the X-Men often frequented since it wasn't too far from the school.

"Why didn't you have back up?" he panted.

"I'm on my own tonight, just having a little fun."

"Yer serious?"

"What is the expression? Serious as a heart attack I believe."

"But why?"

"I'm . . . bored."

"Or crazy."

"Or both."

He looked at her but she looked away and said, "I think they've given up, time for me to go home."

"You wanna tell me what you're really doing?"

"I did."

He sighed. She leaned against the brick wall of the store under the overhang and tried to stop the rain she could feel coming.

"I'm not gonna pretend I understand any of this but if you're in trouble . . ."

She laughed. "You'd be useless then. When I was in trouble you deserted me."

"Ow," he muttered feeling as if he'd been punched in the stomach.

"So I don't need your help."

He looked down at the pavement feeling the sting of her words.

"I'm quite bored now, I have to go," she said.

"No," he said, blocking her way. She squirmed slightly but didn't move as he stood in front of her. He placed one hand against the wall within inches of her shoulder then pressed his other hand by her other shoulder trapping her. "I need you to understand why I left," he said.

"I no longer care."

Another blow. "I do," he said.

"That's too bad for you, now let me go."

"No." He moved closer to her as if daring her to try something or either wanting to feel her body against his. He wasn't sure which it was, maybe it was both. Their bodies almost touched before he backed off and dropped his arms. He couldn't play games with her like this.

She grinned however, as if accepting his unspoken challenge though she was furious that the close contact had made her heart race even more than when he'd held her hand.

"What?" he exclaimed. He would've laughed but she looked dead serious.

"You have no business trying to detain me, Logan, either move or I will make you move." Thunder roared in the sky punctuating her statement.

He did laugh this time. He laughed so hard his shoulders shook up and down as if he were having a seizure. For a moment Ororo thought he was going to fall over. She took a step back before smacking him across the face.

"Hey! What was that for?"

"To knock some sense into you. Ow. Your head is as hard as a brick."

"Let me see that," he said, taking her hand in his.

She didn't resist though she flinched. Her knuckles were cut and bleeding from the fight, her palm red from the slap she'd given him. It pained him to see it and he covered her hand gently with both of his. "I didn't mean to hurt you," he whispered.

"You didn't."

"Then why are you so upset with me, darlin'?"

She tried to pull her hand away but he held onto it stubbornly albeit gently. His touch hurt her more than the pain of hitting his adamantium laced jaw and despite her efforts to hold it back the rain came.

"You left me, Logan. Not one word from you until now, what did you expect?"

"I had to go, darlin'. If I'd stayed . . ." he paused and frowned before going on, "I tried to tell myself that I could leave and it wouldn't matter, that you'd be safer even better off without me but every day the lie's been harder and harder to live with."

The look she gave him was such a mixture of emotions he wasn't sure what to make of it.

"And yet you continued to live a lie," she said, not telling him that she too had been lying to herself and everyone else since he'd left.

He sighed, said, "I just didn't want you hurt. You know what's happened to the women I've loved, 'Ro. I didn't want the same for you."

"But that is my choice to make!"

His face lit up. "You want to make that decision now, darlin'?"

Her mouth opened slightly and she looked at him, uncertain of his meaning, uncertain of her response.

"Or am I too late?" he asked.

"You're very late, Logan," she replied and this time when she tried to remove her hand from his he didn't resist.

"You once told me you loved me, 'Ro and I should've told you I loved you right back because I did and I still do. I'm sorry if I hurt you. It wasn't what I'd intended."

"You did more than hurt me, Logan, you annihilated me."

Logan's shoulders slumped. He shook his head slowly. "I thought you were okay, you were out dancing."

"How did you know that?"

"Jeanie told me."

"She never told me she spoke to you."

"She called my place in the city, wanted to know if I was okay. When I asked how you were she told me you were having the time of your life."

"It was nothing but a lie, a face I showed the others so they wouldn't know," Ororo said.

"I'm sorry, darlin'."

"You've already said that."

"An' I'll keep sayin' it till you believe it." He took hold of her hand again, lifted it to his lips and lightly kissed the torn knuckles. When he looked up at her he saw her eyes were tearing and she did nothing to hide them.

"Then, you think we should start over," she murmured as if thinking out loud.

"If you'll give me a chance."

"And you will not leave me in the middle of the night?"

"I'm not afraid anymore, 'Ro. I figure we'll face the worse together."

"I can handle myself you know, how many battles have we fought side by side?"

"You handled yourself pretty good in that fight just then."

"Haven't I always?"

"Well, not always, darlin'."

"But you were always there to pick me up when I fell."

"Well, I can admit that's not always been the case. Guess I dropped the ball this time but, 'Roro it won't happen again. If you stay with me we're in this together and that's a promise but if there's any sign of trouble, someone coming after me, you've gotta promise to go, to get outta the way so they don't target you."

"I can't do that, Logan. I love you, that hasn't changed and I don't think it ever will; if we're together your burdens are my burdens."

"Can't ask you to do that."

"You aren't, it's something I accept just as you must accept my burdens as yours. You are not the only one evil has its sights on."

"You talkin' about Remy?" Logan joked.

"You would have to ward off more than Remy if you take up with me, Logan – kings and despots are the bane of my existence."

The shared a laugh, so many memories coming back to them.

"No more bar brawls then?"

She chuckled. "No, no more bar brawls. I'm not a warrior like you, Logan no matter how freeing it may have been in the moment, but you better remember that I am fit to be a warrior's woman."

He threw his head back and let out a loud guffaw. "That's my 'Ro. I've missed you, darlin'," he said. "I don't want to be without you anymore, never wanna go through something like this again."

"To send me away if there's trouble derives the same result. Perhaps the solution is to accept that we cannot change the future but we can enjoy the moment. No one knows how long they have, is it not enough that we have today after all this time apart?"

He pulled her into his arms then drew her closer still. "No more lies," he whispered before he kissed her and as she gave into his embrace, his kisses, the rain passed.

**~Fini~**


End file.
